Everybody tell lies

It is easier to tell a lie to cover us from mistakes made, but it is extremely difficult to be honest as we always expect the counterpart to get angry, annoyed, once they hear the truth. It hurts me more to hear a lie and find out later. It causes me pain to hear the truth but once i hear it I can start to accept it.

Once, someone asked me to lose weight. I am not fat, but I am not skinny either. And one thing I really love is good food.

Well, this person wanted me to look like one of those skinny models in magazines. he also wanted me to change my hair colour and style ( I actually liked the idea of image changed). But the idea of someone changing me to finally look like someone I am not, pissed me off till dead. When this person explained that he didn't really feel any sexual attraction, I was so angry that I though: why are you with me then? I wanted to say fuck off! Instead I ran away to one of the bedrooms to cry. the worst thing wasn't that, the worst thing was when in an intend to make me feel better, he told me the greatest lie i've ever heard: "I wanted you to lose weight so you can fit in your wedding dress".

Lots of contradictions appeared according the relationship was going, and then day after day I felt sad, lonely, and was losing all interest in a lot of things I loved.

It is so easy to hurt people, and so difficult to realise what has been done. Too late to work it out. The damage is done. Every day I feel more and more angry about all stupid lies I've heard before. Thy are bricks I have been carrying for a long time, and I am trying to drop them. I don't knwo how to do it. But I'd love to.

My passion for the Beatles

It is obvious that there are millions of people around the world who like the Beatles. But today I am going to talk about my love and passion for them, as they have not just been my inspiration to reach goals in my life because I have read about them and how they were determined to reach the highest mountain and finally be the most famous band in the whole world.

My love for the Beatles is my precious treasure from childhood, as I used to watch the cartoons on TV when I was 3 or 4. I remember mum and dad playing George Harrison, Paul McCartney and John Lennon's records in the latest 70'. My favourite song when I was 4 was Give me love, give me peace on earth.

According I grew up, and after my parents divorced in 1982, my memories of home and Beatles music kept me dreaming. I used to go frantic all over the place trying to sing and dance their music, as you can understand for a spanish -speaking child is not easy job to do. Dad had few books with Beatles photos and lyrics, and some cartoon pictures. I used to draw them ove and over. When I was 5, my favourite song was Lady Madonna. When I was 8, We can work it out became my favourite forever. Then when I was 10, it was Hello Goodbye. A year later, I used to listen to Sgt pepper's, Revolver and the White album, sort of heavy stuff for a child 11 years old, when everybody at school used to sing those stupid tracks from the mid 80's, which I hated with passion. My favourite song when I was 11 was Lovely Rita, and I used to listen to Sgt pepper's soundtrack with The Bee Gees and Peter Frampton, as my parents used to watch that film in 1979 over and over.

I read my first Beatles biography in 1986. 1987 was a hard year as I was 12 and teenage was about to make its mess in my life. I like latin music, but I have to admit that I separate the type of music I listen to, as they had occasions to be listened to. If I was at a party with people from school, I had to dance and listen to merengue from Dominican Republic bands, which I liked but not as much as I love Rock. If I was at my great grandma, it was more traditional venezuelan music. At my dad's parents it was great music, jazz and old fashion music from 1940' and 50'. Grandad didn't ike Elvis as he used to say Elvis was gay. I disagreed with him but never argued about it.

Teenage came and when i was 13 I used to listen to a radio programme named Good Rocking tonight. 1989 was a great year. Lost fo remakes of songs, lots of films with old songs, etc. I was madly in love with rock and roll, twist, and in one of my highest points of Beatlemania. I learned all the lyrics of Beatles songs from 1962 to 1966. All the songs, record by record, new the order of tracks in the Lp's, and had my own scrapbook with photos and information. My dad cousin Maribel gave me as a present her collection of Beatles records: a treasure for a Beatle fan who didn't live in the 60'. Then, in 1990, a radio programme named Beatlemania started and I could follow and tape it every saturday at 5 pm. Kristinna Wetter was the presenter, and the Beatles tribute band named Los Buitres, had recorded their second album. I didn't like them as i though they were a stupid copy of the Beatles, but when they changed the name and one of the members and became Los Beat 3 i experienced a Beatlemania like I never did before. But that will be told when I get to 1998. We are still in 1990. In 1991 Beatlemania started playing rare songs from BBC tapes, before the Album Live at the BBC was released in 1994. By those days I used to copy all sort of info for my scrap book and collect all I could, as there was no chance to get memorabilia as it was only possible to get it in the Uk or the USA. No chance for a 15 years old, with no internet in those days and no money to go and buy it.

When I was 15, I started dreaming about coming to England and visit all the Beatles related places in Liverpool, London and Hamburg. When I was 16 I knew a lot about the beatles, like nobody in my country probably could. I was told I was the Greatest Beatle fan in the country by my friend Alfredo Churion, as he had his radio programme Good Rocking Tonight. I knew songs he didn't even know. In 1993 I was the singer of a band playng covers by The Beatles and other UK bands. Then I learned to play the guitar at the age of 17. I forgot to tell I play the xylophone and that I used to play Beatles music with dad when I was 11. Some versions we played were: Here, there and eveywhere, Eleanor Rigby, I feel fine, In my life, Yesterdar and Michelle. W also played Soundtracks and Rag time.

In 1998 I met Los Beat 3 in a restaurant named Strawberry Fields. They used to play every Friday and Saturday nights. They came to England in 1999 to play at the Cavern for the first time but i could not come with them. My dream was broken. Everybody went back to Venezuela showing off they had met a lot of people during Beatles Week. They also played in 2000 and 2001. I was in love with a guitarist who played with Los Beat 3, we met when we were teenagers but unfortunatelly i won't talk about it as it is the most awful chapter of my love life.

In 2002, my friend William went to mexico to see Macca for the 2nd time and he asked me to draw a poster so he could show it to Macca as he had VIP tickets. He could not show the poster but he could get Macca's autograph on his Back in the USSR record ( the Russian one), and all the plectrums from the guitarists. He went back with presents for me as he said my energies made it possible. he said: you will also meet him one day and get the autograph because you deserve it. But I though it was very difficult. That year I also worked for British Embassy, so I started making contacts for the time I finally could come to England. I was making plans to study in the UK, so my dream of coming to Liverpool was closer. In 2003, I painted a Beatles mural with the cartoons on my Bedroom's wall, and it is still there, as my uncle didn't want to cover it when he moved into our flat in Caracas. You can see the pic above.

2005: the year when the Beatlemaniac dreams started to come true! You ahve seen my travel blog, so you can read a little about the early days in England. My 30th birthday present was my first visit to Liverpool, and I went to the Beatles Story!

In 2006 I moved to Liverpool to study the masters, and in november, I tried to make my dream come true and travelled to London to catch Macca in Picaddilli, to sign Ecce Cor meum. I was dissapointed after 5 hours of rain and no chance to see Macca at all. We were no more than 300 in the queu and the press said he signed 500 autographs! I was pissed off, better o say angry. I wrote my frustration on Macca's Myspace site. But, dreams do come true...

Last year, on May 16th, I finally could see Macca and get his autograph. He was really nice and friendly. I have seen him 3 time sin my life since, as in May this year I went to the Anglican Cathedral to see Ecce Cor Meum live, and he was there, and at the beggining of this month, Macca played at the Liverpool Sound in Anfield. I was there with all my friends from the Cavern Club. I am happy I have made my dreams come true, and although some people can find this silly, the Beatles have been with me in my moments of happiness, sadness, when I have been blue or have had a love pain. I have jumped and sung tehir songs and met fabulous people who also love them. I could even meet one of them and treasure the moment in my heart forever.

For those wo don't believe: Dreams do come true if you really want them to happen, so keep on trying!

Real love (1)

1 Corinthians Chapter 13

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not Love,

I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries,

and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains,

and have not Love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor,

and though I give my body to be burned, and have not Love, it profiteth me nothing.
Love suffereth long, and is kind; Love envieth not;

Love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly,

Seeketh not her own, Is not easily provoked, Thinketh no evil;

Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things,

believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
Love never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail;

whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge,

it shall vanish away. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.

But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child:

but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face:

now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

And now abideth faith, hope, Love, these three; but the greatest of these is Love.

1 Corinthians 13

Doing alright

Yesterday my life was in ruin

Now today God knows what I'm doin'

Gotta feelin' I should be doin' alright

Doin' alright

Where will I be this time tomorrow

Jumping with joy or sinking in sorrow

Anyway I should be doin' alright

Doin' alright
Should be waiting for the sun looking round to find the words to say
Should be waiting for the skies to clear, there ain't time in all the world
Should be waiting for the sun, and anyway I've got to hide away

yesterday my life was in ruin

now today I know what I'm doing

anyway I gotta do it alright

Words by Brian May

I just don't believe

Love has gone. Maybe what I should realise is that of all the loves I have had, none of them was actually real. If none of them has been real, then I have never been loved at all.

So as I have not been trully loved, I don't believe. I wished I met someone who made me realise I am wrong, but there is no such person to challenge me on this. I wanted to find my love but I give up, one thing is true afection and another one infatuation, that is what people actually feel.

So, till someone challenges me on this topic, I'll carry on with my believe: People don't fall in love at all!

A new life starts today

Today I travelled to sort some stuff in London. Last week was the worst week I have had this year ever! After being in hospital, sick at home and sad after so much dissapointment and anger, I am recovering from it and decided to spend a lot of time on my own.

I have come across a decision to heal my currect pain. I know I also made mistakes, but when you have been hurt you tend to do things to hurt that person, which is what I did. I regret some things I said but who can help me drop this feelings? They are still there and they hurt!

Tomorrow I am going back home after 2 days off. I needed them. I have come to realise so many things and now is time to start all brand new, no more mistakes from angry and hasty decisions. As I am not good with relationships and company, I will take time to be alone, not as a punishment but as a time to meditate and grow.

I am sad that Carl has gone forever. But maybe one day forgiveness will be there between us and we might be friends.

I hope one day I get to know Mr Right or Mr Meant to be. He might be somewhere and I am waiting for him to come into my life...

Falling in love with life again

This week was a strange week for me just after I said goodbye to that person I loved. He's gone with someone else, after he has been searching when he said he wasn't so, after such a dissapointment, I realised that I was left alone already and that friendship he asked for was not possible. People want to have everything even when it means suffering for the other one. Very selfish.

Whatever, I am here today to talk about new feelings arising. After my two weeks off work and university, I have been busy going back to my routine, and it wasn't as bad as people think, after all, routine sometimes is a kind of discipline we need in order to maintain things going and working ok, otherwise chaos come to mess it up.

It took me few days to stop crying, and this happened with a little help of my friends, going to the pub as we normally do on tuesdays, having people visiting to have a nice food and conversation, going to the office and spend time with papers, books, essays, new projects. Life has come to life, hahahah. Also, few of my friends, those who although can't hang around often, but trully care, have told me beautiful things I needed to think about myself, which might have been forgotten too.

Music is playing a very important role here. Going to see friend playing and singing has cheered me up! I love dancing, and even when my back is still in pain after that stupid accident at home, I try to enjoy dancing, as this is something that happens when the soul is happy listening to great tunes. The atmosphere at the cavern at nights can be great, and all aquaintances, nice ones, jump with me and sing!

Another important thing this week has been my long chats online with my mum, who has also been sad for a lot of things, for a very long time. I am helping her to overcome such things by reading books to her when using the microphone, so we talk, laugh and it seems to be working for her and for me.

Yesterday I went back to work, and I really enjoyed it. I just wish to meet someone new soon, so I have companion to go and do things I love, I hope to meet someone who likes things I like, so I don't feel bad going to places he doesn't want to go to with me, someone who doesn't want me to change my hair color or style, doens't want me to be skinny like a stick just because he can't stand curvy girls, someone who likes me just the way I am, sexy, with my own Betty Boop style, which I love.

If anyone reads me today, I wish you guys have a happy day. Today is a brand new day and everyday will be from this day on!

Real friendship: how do we define it or recognize it when we find it (if we find it!)

Talking about friendship can be difficult if your experiences about it are painful, or if you haven't had a good and true friend.


I have loved few people in my life, and my relationships with them although not all the times were romantic, they were enriching. There were also people who caused an enormous impact in my life, sometimes a negative one.

Once, when I studied at university, it happened that I met a guy who was in one of the lectures I had to attend from semestre 1 when i was in semestre 2. His name was Ricardo and he comes from Spain, but also have Hungarian background. This guy was one of the most hadsome guys doing degree with me. He was charming, well spoken, intelligent and good looking, but he had a very negative quality that I just can't accept: He was very arrogant and self-sufficient, but when he knew he heeded something that was out of reach and he knew who could get it, he would treat that person so well and make them feel he really was interested in that person. He had an incredible ability to lie to you and make you feel you were the sexiest or the nicest person in the whole world. But he only dated upper-middle or high class girls who were studying with us.

Ripi, as he liked to be called, proclamed himself to be my friend for about 7 years, even after we finished degree and he left to Work and study in Spain, and eventually marry Emoke, his wife and the mother of his daughter. Emoke, a very beautiful girl form Hungary, seemd also to be nice, sincere and it seemd that she was also my friend.

Two years ago, I was having a very hard time with my boyfriend by those days, and I needed to take a break for few days. It happened that ripi had invited me in few occations to go and visit Spain, etc. But when I phoned in order to ask him if I could go and the reaosns i wanted to stay couple of weeks visiting, and also the fact that i needed to leave the Uk in order to renew my visa, he not just withdrew the invitation but also told me that he never wanted to hear from me again. The reaosn he gave me was that he thought I was still in love with him and that serena was pissed off about it.

This is the way someone who anytime he needed a book, help with essays, advice about girls, a helping hand in hard moments and who I helped with a module he was about to fail before his graduation treated me at the end because he didn't need meanymore. That " friendship" and your time was a lie and a waste of time.

People can spend years calling themselves " friends of yours" and one day throw it all away. When can you then, trust someone?

Ther are also friends who even in the distance, still think of you and write and e-mail or phone you once every 6 months, but try to keep in touch. But only those friends who really got to know and love you, not because of the car you drive, or the house you live in, or the clothes you wear, but because when that one is in pain, or happy, always wants you to be there and enjoy life, drinks, a nice meal, a sunday afternoon riding a bicycle or playing guitar dreaming you are rock stars. I found that friendship too, but it hurt in your bones and blood when you are far far away when you need them to hug you tight and make you feel you are the greatest friend in the whole world. You knew who they were when that day you were sick, they were sitting next to you in hospital, or went to your wedding or graduation ceremony, or phoned you in new year at about 1 am, or if you were in danger and phoned them asking for help, they dropped what they were doing to go and find you wherer you were.

My true friends are a few. They might not go for a pint with me everyday, but they phone, e-mail or text from time to time to make sure that you are still alive and available to go for fun, or to go and see you if you are not feeling well.

If you have one of those: Keep it! that's the biggest treasure you may find in the world!

broken hearted but looking forward to move on and start again

It's been 2 months since he has gone. Normally, it would end and I would never be interested in hearing from him again. He is still hanging around, unsure about his feelings. We wish to be friends forever, but I sometimes think the best thing is not to see each other anymore. I don't know if I will forget what went right and what went wrong, and I don't even know if he ever loved me. I think he never did. People sometimes get involved with you to prove something to themselves, and never think that when they reach that pint in which they won't be able to varry on with it, they will leave and empty space.

In the last 15 years I have loved many people, some are still around, some have gone forever and probably won't ever think about what they have done. One day, when all of us open our hearts and see what we've done to people who loved us, we will wish we could mend it. Some of us will be able to forgive, to forget, to move on, some of us will be able to ask to be forgiven.

He is leaving little by little. I think he already has someone new, but doesn't want to tell. If he does, I'd rather go away from him so he can't see me in pain. But he claims to love me as a friend and says I am the one who listens to what he has to say.

Love hurts and it gets into your bones and your blood. It hurts so much that reminds you how it feels to be alive.

But he has never loved anyone the way I love him...

So my love has gone and my heart closed forever.